An imposter among us

Every time I join a peer group or a training, a workshop, a class, or any kind of social group, I go into it with two diametrically opposed thoughts. The first is, "Oh wow! Something new! I'm so excited!" The second is, "Oh shit. How am I going to screw this one up this time?"

Not to brag, but I have a long track record of putting my foot in my mouth. I have many bumps and bruises from my past to prove it. Don't get me wrong: I am most definitely a common denominator and hold myself accountable. To quote Taylor Swift, "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me."

In recent years, I've become aware that I share quite a lot of traits on the autism spectrum, in addition to the executive dysfunction and performance impairments due to ADHD. So, that probably has something to do with it.

Imposter syndrome is something I experience regularly. As enthusiastic and motivated as I am to meet people and seek friendships, I am burdened with negative internal feedback. I am really good at convincing myself that I am annoying to others, so I talk myself out of taking on a new project or opportunity. Even writing this blog stirs up old wounds and reminds me of past rejections. It sucks.

In spite of all this, I have learned something valuable from my lived experience: When I feel insecure about my sense of belonging in a group, I project that insecurity as reassurance-seeking behavior (such as using passive language to indirectly confirm something, ex "I'm sure I'm just being dumb about this" and waiting for that positive feedback to roll in), or sometimes as masking (i.e. "faking it to make it").

To be fair to myself, I have worked really hard to unlearn that pattern and replace it with more effective communication strategies, i.e. being transparent. I have found DBT to be personally beneficial to me in this regard. For instance, before joining a group, I will take out pen and paper and write a brief list of no more than 5 ways that I will show up and be present - these are my boundaries. I frame them as the values I have that I want to project instead of my insecurities.

An example I wrote down recently was "I want to project eagerness to participate and willingness to learn". There were a few occasions during the group where I felt insecurity creeping in so I referred back to my list and it helped me to recalibrate my internal sense of self.

Below I'm sharing a link to a YouTube short by the channel Pirate Software in which the head of the company Thor Hall answers TTS (text to speech) questions from the community during live streams. This particular answer resonated with a lot of people on the internet, myself included:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snYVIqzl6Gs

Also, I have not heard negative self-talk put this way before, and now I've adopted it into my practice:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Q8CABwIYJwE

Happy trails!

~Erica

Accessible DBT Worksheet

Hello fellow wanderers!

Today I want to share a small project I have been working on this week.

I was in the process of sending a neurodivergent-friendly DEARMAN worksheet to a client when I decided to take it a step further and see how accessible I could make this document.

So, after a brief Google search on dyslexia-friendly fonts and color blind-friendly palettes, I came up with an initial version of what I'm calling "DEARMAN-Accessible". Since I am neither dyslexic nor colorblind, I am unable to accurately assess whether this document I've created meets basic criteria for being labeled as "accessible." That's why I wanted to share my work with you all today and gather feedback, ideally from those who are in either or both dyslexic and colorblind communities. What are your overall thoughts? What could be improved either with the layout or formatting? Please note that I am sharing the watermarked version of my document in the interest of protecting my work. If you would like a copy of the non-watermarked version, please email me!

Happy trails!

~Erica

If I had the Youth Mental Health Corps when I was a kid...

Today, like most days of late, I was having breakfast with goblin, who was happily munching on strawberries and telling me her opinions on cake (which were all some variation of "cake yum yum!" and left no wiggle room for doubt). While scrolling Google news headlines on my phone in hopes of finding something that would get my attention (as I had yet to consume my caffeine for the day and needed some kind of easy dopamine boost), I saw this headline and stopped: First-of-its-kind Youth Mental Health Corps trains young people to help their peers (source: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/youth-mental-health-corps-rcna155574).

After reading through most of the article (until goblin gave up on her strawberries to go play with the broom and dustpan, which activated my "mom mode"), it got me thinking about my upbringing and how I would have LOVED to be apart of a community initiative like this.

As a teen, I was dealing with a lot of unrecognized mental health problems coupled with a crucial lack of support from home and school, which led to me stumbling and fumbling my way ass-backwards into adulthood, where I am still struggling to catch up on basic things (like managing a budget) to this day.

Most days, I feel a sense of general dread and lurking shame. The routine barrage of thoughts come barreling down the more I wake up: What did I forget to do that will inevitably come back to haunt me today? Why can't I ever seem to just get the dishes done the night before so I don't have to deal with it today? Please let my keys still be in the bowl by the door.

With the benefit of time, experience, and training, I know now that a lot of my problems are due to ADHD (and possibly autism, as I am coming to learn in my ongoing therapy), and I have learned a lot about how to cope with my dysfunctions. I am still, however, so very vulnerable to self-doubt and recurring patterns of negative self-talk. It is a real effort to fight back against the ghosts that haunt me, and honestly, I would be much farther along in my field and my career if I had had the opportunity to tackle my problems head-on while they were happening.

That being said, I don't want to be bitter. I think I followed the mental health path because even as a youth, I understood that there was something fundamentally wrong in my life or with me that needed addressing while simultaneously encountering peers who were going through the same thing. I have a "fuck you, I'll do it," attitude built into my very DNA. When I see a problem that I perceive no one or very few people are doing something about (even if my perception is not accurate, to be fair), I take that on as my own personal challenge. A close friend of mine call's it my "Aries fire" (not gonna lie - that makes me sound like a boss).

So, while I can't go back and change the past to improve myself, I am motivated to do what I can in the now to unlearn/relearn and then take that knowledge to share with others. That's why I do what I do. I've spent the last decade learning and training in the mental health field (during a pandemic to boot!). From my perspective, there is a HUGE need for mental health support at every level. I am glad to see that there are other people out there, like Nancy Santiago and AmeriCorps who have reflected on the past and asked "how can we do better for kids today?"

Don't get bitter, get better - I heard that saying somewhere and it's stuck with me. Below, I have shared additional links to the Youth Mental Health Corps website and their program booklet for anyone that wants to learn more.

Happy trails!

~Erica

Youth Mental Health Corps website: https://www.youthmentalhealthcorps.org/

Program booklet: https://cdn.prod.website-files.com/659896ecb3e321ccea14759e/65e10573a95db58a2fbb7005_YMHC%20Partner%20Deck%20-%20Jan%202024.pdf